When love starts to hurt - The de Peyrac effect

Each of us longs for love – for closeness, security and acceptance. A healthy relationship brings joy, support and a sense of security. But sometimes it happens that what should be a source of happiness turns into a trap. This strange phenomenon is described by the so-called de Peyrac effect, which is sometimes also referred to as the “psychology of love turned inside out”.

What is it?
Do you know the situation when someone “pulls the plug too far”? That is exactly what the de Peyrac effect is about. It occurs when one of the partners expresses their love so intensely that it starts to suffocate the other. Typically, this is a situation when someone begins to literally overwhelm their partner with their feelings. Their love becomes too strong, violent or obsessive, which instead of strengthening the relationship leads to the exact opposite – the partner moves away and the relationship falls apart. This phenomenon is figuratively called “love turned inside out” – the love that is supposed to unite ends up dividing.

How does it manifest itself?
Do you know someone who accepts all of their partner's opinions without reservation? Or who lives in the belief that they cannot exist without them? These are typical signs of "reverse love". The more such a person tries to get closer to their partner, the more the other person moves away. A person who gets into this state often loses themselves. They are able to sacrifice everything for their partner, adapt to them in every detail and forget about their own needs. They begin to live only for them - they take on their opinions, tastes, even friends and subordinate their entire being to their partner. The more they try to get closer, the more their partner feels tied down and oppressed. This logically leads to their retreat, cooling down and often even breaking up.

Why does this happen?
In psychology, there is a theory of relationship attachment that explains why people become attached to others. You may be wondering if a strong bond is not a sign of true love? Strong attachment in itself is not a problem – on the contrary, it is the basis of healthy relationships. It gives us a sense of security, certainty and helps us cope with stress.
The problem arises when this attachment turns into an obsessive form of attachment. This is exactly the case with the de Peyrac effect. In this case, a person not only loves their partner, but also controls them, suffocates them and loses their ability to be an autonomous being. Love thus turns into a toxic addiction.

According to psychologist Mary Ainsworth, there are four main types of relationship attachment:
• Secure attachment – ​​a person trusts, knows how to manage emotions and at the same time maintains their autonomy.
• Anxious attachment – ​​a person is afraid of losing their partner, has tendencies towards jealousy and control.
• Avoidant attachment – ​​a person keeps their distance, suppresses the need for closeness.
• Disorganized attachment – ​​a mixture of anxious and avoidant behavior, which leads to chaotic reactions.

The de Peyrac effect is most closely related to the anxious type of attachment. Love becomes an addiction – the partner is the center of the universe, everything revolves around them. The relationship then loses its balance and instead of a healthy connection, tension and decay come.

What does “love turned inside out” look like in practice?
Think about it - can you imagine a situation where your partner is the only source of your joy? Imagine a person who gives up all their hobbies because they want to spend every minute with their partner. They hardly see their friends anymore because they prefer only his company. If he decides to go out alone or take time for himself, they feel betrayed and react jealously.

From the outside, this may seem like great devotion, but in reality it is a loss of identity and self-worth. The partner does not feel loved, but constrained. And this leads to cooling off or escaping from the relationship.

What can be done to prevent love from becoming suffocating?
The good news is that the de Peyrac effect is not the inevitable fate of every person with an anxious relationship. Once we understand its mechanism, we can learn to recognize the warning signs and change our behavior.

1. Love is not about control. A healthy relationship means respecting the freedom and individuality of our partner.
2. Self-worth is fundamental. If we completely lose ourselves in the other person, the relationship will never be strong.
3. Independence is important. Everyone needs their own space, friends, and interests.
4. Communication heals. An open conversation about feelings and needs prevents misunderstandings.
5. Work on yourself. Sometimes it is necessary to first deal with your own anxieties or traumas in order to be able to build healthy relationships.

What did we learn?
The de Peyrac effect is a warning that even love can go wrong if we start to experience it unhealthy. When love becomes obsession, control, and loss of identity, the relationship falls apart. If we understand the de Peyrac effect, we can experience love more maturely. We will learn to distinguish between healthy affection and suffocating dependence. Thanks to this, we will avoid toxic relationships that destroy us. Instead, we will be able to build partnerships based on trust, freedom and mutual respect.
Healthy love is not only more lasting, but also enriching - it gives us strength, instead of taking it away from us.