How to speak so that others really listen to us

Most people think they are good listeners – but research shows otherwise. According to a 2021 survey, 96% of respondents said they consider themselves good listeners, yet they can only reconstruct about half of what they heard immediately after a conversation. This paradox shows that quality communication starts with a clear and empathetic presentation. 

Obstacles to Listening – Psychological “Noise”

A common reason why people don’t perceive us is because of biases and prejudices. When we already have an opinion about another person, we selectively perceive only what confirms our beliefs (confirmation bias, stereotyping.
Another problem is defensive communication - if the listener perceives that he is being attacked or threatened, he stops really listening and focuses only on defense. Physical or psychological distractions - noise, fatigue, stress - also dramatically reduce the ability to perceive content.

What does it mean to "be heard"?

According to the latest psychological studies, listening is not only about changing behavior, but also about the speaker's subjective feeling - that he was understood, accepted and that something was done with his opinion. In practice, this means - to interpret that we are interested in the other person, to reflect his thoughts, and then to act according to the agreement.

Charles Duhigg in Time magazine introduces the phenomenon of so-called "supercommunicators" - people who ask 10-20 times more questions, use "looping" (repeat what they heard, and find out whether they understood correctly) and use nonverbal signals, such as a soft laugh or a harmonious voice, to create an emotional connection. This approach leads to the other person feeling understood and more open, which supports a deep relationship or productive discussion. This is important, for example, even in polarized social topics.

The brain and listening - what does neuroscientific research show?

New neuroimaging shows that active listening activates brain centers such as the prefrontal cortex, temporoparietal junction (TPJ) and anterior cingulate cortex (ACC) - areas responsible for concentration, empathy and emotional regulation. It also stimulates the release of oxytocin, the bonding hormone, while ignoring or misunderstanding triggers stress reactions.

So how do we speak so that we are heard?

a) Clear structure and emotion: start with a brief introduction, set the topic, add an example, end with a challenge or question. This helps to maintain attention.

b) Open-ended questions: instead of “Did you like it?” try “What did you find most interesting?” or “How would you do it?” People feel engaged and talk more.

c) Looping: “If I understand correctly, do you mean that…?” Research shows that it helps prevent misunderstandings and builds trust.

d) Nonverbal activity: maintain eye contact, nod, smile, match the tone of your voice to the other person’s – this sends the signal “I want to listen”.

e) Be non-judgmental: avoid “why” questions that can sound accusatory (“Why did you do that?” vs. “What made you do that?”).

f) Avoid distractions – cell phone in your pocket, open browser window, other thoughts unrelated to the topic – show genuine interest by prioritizing your presence.

When someone feels truly heard, trust and willingness to cooperate (both at work and in person) increase, conflict decreases, motivation to solve problems together increases, and it promotes emotional closeness and a sense of security. On the other hand, ignoring, interrupting, judging, or superficial reactions lead to frustration, distrust, and stress.

So what did we learn today?

Speaking in a way that makes people really listen to us is not just about nice words. It is a psychological discipline – it requires attention, empathy, awareness of prejudices, openness, and conscious mastery of techniques such as questions, feedback, and nonverbal signals. Active listening stimulates the release of oxytocin in the brain, promotes trust, and reduces stress. On the contrary, selective perception, defensive attitudes, and distraction are barriers that reduce communication to half its effectiveness.

 

 

 

Sources:

Drinko, C. (2021, August 2). We’re worse at listening than we realize. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/play-your-way-sane/202108/were-worse-at-listening-than-we-realize

Kluger, A. N., & Mizrahi, S. (2023). When the listener speaks up: A field experiment on listening, psychological safety, and performance. Psychological Science, 34(4), 509–525. https://doi.org/10.1177/09567976241239935

Verywell Mind. (2017, December 5). The stress of poor communication with others. Verywell Mind. https://www.verywellmind.com/the-stress-of-poor-communication-with-others-4154175

Yvex. (2025, January 20). How does active listening reduce misunderstandings? Medium. https://medium.com/%40yvex_official/how-does-active-listening-reduce-misunderstandings-dbb79c1fdd56