How to get closer in 45 minutes? Science has the answer!

Imagine sitting down opposite a complete stranger. You have less than an hour and the goal – to feel closer by the end, as if you’ve known each other for years. Sounds like science fiction, right? In fact, it’s a real-life psychological experiment that showed that closeness between people can be created faster than we would expect.

Psychologist Arthur Aron and his team tested this idea in 1997. Their research became legendary because it led to a well-known procedure – 36 questions to get closer. How does it work? Why is it effective? And what can we take from it into our everyday lives? I’ll tell you!

How it all started

Scientists were interested in whether it was possible to consciously and intentionally induce a feeling of closeness between people. We usually assume that intimacy arises naturally – through time, shared experiences and sharing life. However, scientists wondered: do we have to wait months and years, or does it happen faster?

And so the experiment was born. The researchers prepared a set of questions for the participants to answer. They weren’t random questions – they ranged from easy and superficial to very personal and intimate. The entire interview was supposed to last about 45 minutes. At the end, the participants were given the task: to look into each other’s eyes for a full 4 minutes without interruption.

What happened during the experiment?

The results surprised even the scientists themselves. People who went through the questions and eye contact felt significantly closer than those who just had regular “small talk”. Some couples described feeling as if they had known each other for a long time. And yes – one such couple even became a married couple over time. This showed that while intimacy is usually the result of a long-term process, there are ways to speed it up and support it.

Why does it work?

The basic answer is - openness and sharing. When we reveal something personal to someone – a memory, a concern, a dream – we give them a piece of ourselves. This requires trust. And when the other person does the same, a bridge is created between the two.

The questions were also designed to go progressively deeper. They started with innocent questions like “Who would you invite to dinner?” and ended with very intimate ones like “When was the last time you cried in front of someone?” or “How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?”

And then there’s eye contact. You remember those four minutes of uninterrupted time, right? Many people find it difficult to look someone in the eye without saying a word. But that’s what increases the feeling of intimacy—sometimes more than words alone.

What this tells us about closeness

The experiment revealed some interesting findings:

• Closeness isn’t just about time. You don’t have to be with someone for years to feel close. Openness is key.
• Questions are key. When we ask deeper questions, we move the conversation from the surface to the depths.
• Reciprocity is essential. It only works if both are sharing. If only one opens up, the effect is lost.
• Silence has power. A look into the eyes without words is sometimes more powerful than ten minutes of talking.

How you can use it

You may be saying to yourself: "Ok, but I already know my partner." Or: "I have close friends, why do I need this research?" We can apply the principles from this research not only in new relationships but also in our normal and familiar life with people we already know.

1. In a partnership

If you have been together for a longer time, it may seem like you already know each other in depth. Try asking yourself questions that don't normally occur to you. For example - What is your unfulfilled dream? What do you enjoy most about our relationship? What do you fear most about the future? These conversations deepen the bond and keep the relationship alive.

2. On a date or while getting to know someone

If you want to skip the superficial phrases and get to know them in depth, prepare a few questions inspired by Aron's list. Don't be afraid to gently open up to more personal topics - this is often what determines whether a spark is created.

3. In friendships

Sometimes we've been friends for years, but we still end up with just "How are you?" or "What's new at work?" Go deeper - sharing personal memories or values ​​can take a friendship to a new level.

What do participants say?

People who have gone through the 36 questions often describe similar feelings: "I felt like this person really saw me." "I knew more about them in an hour than I do about some acquaintances I've been seeing for years." "It was intense, but beautiful." Some even say it motivated them to be more open in their relationships outside of the experiment.

Questions as Bridges, Not Barriers

The fascinating thing about questions is that they act as bridges. Most of us wear masks all the time – we talk about the weather, work, weekend plans. But it’s when the mask falls, when we dare to be personal, that the real connection begins. And here’s the thing: you don’t have to use all 36 questions. Just a few are enough. The intention is important – to show the other person that you care about more than just the surface.

And what about those 4 minutes of silence?

For many, this was the hardest part. Looking someone in the eye for 4 minutes straight is uncomfortable, even scary, for some. But that’s where the magic happens. Silence without distractions gives us the space to really “see” the other person. Maybe that’s why this experiment became so popular. In an age where we are constantly overwhelmed by words, noise, and screens, he showed us that silence and openness are the keys to intimacy.

 

So what did we learn from the scientists?

Arthur Aron and his team have given us a simple yet powerful tool: questions that can bring two people closer together faster than we might expect. They have shown that closeness is not just about time, but about the courage to open up and let someone into our inner world. So what do you say? Would you dare to sit down with someone, ask each other 36 questions, and look each other in the eye? You might be surprised by what happens.

 

Mini-taster questions:

Set I – Starting Light

If you could live to be 90 and spend the last 60 years of your life with either the mind or the body of a 30-something, which would you choose?

Set II – Going Deeper

If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, your future, or anything else, what would you want to know?
Set III – Intimate Depth

Complete the sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share…”

 

 

 

Source: The Experimental Generation of Interpersonal Closeness: A Procedure and Some Preliminary Findings

Aron, A., Melinat, E., Aron, P. N., Vallone, R. D., & Bator, R. J. (1997). The experimental generation of interpersonal closeness: A procedure and some preliminary findings. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 23(4), 363–377. https://doi.org/10.1177/0146167297234003